Archives for posts with tag: oppression

1377579_10201302768305522_1507004579_nThe following letter to Marissa Alexander is my show of support in the #31forMARISSA campaign, a national month-long letter writing campaign by men in support of the freedom of Marissa Alexander.

“Alexander is the Florida mother who was sentenced to 20 years for aggravated assault after firing a warning shot in the air as her abusive husband — against whom she had an injunction — threatened her.”

Dear Marissa,

I’m writing to let you know that I’m on your side. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. Nothing that happened to you was your fault. I believe you.

It must have taken a lot of strength and courage to stand up for yourself. I’m grateful that you decided your safety was that important, that you are absolutely worth fighting for. In that light, I’m heartbroken, angry and scared by how our system has mistreated you.

When I read about what happened to you, I’m filled with terror. I feel paralyzed. I recognize that it’s the same terror I felt when I witnessed violence as a child, which kept me frozen, stifled and silent. I’ve struggled in my adult life to not carry that terror with me all the time.

I’m a second child of Indian, Hindu immigrants who lived in a mostly-white suburb. My sister was raped by my uncle for 3 years, from before I was born until I was 1 year old. When I was 19 my sister confided in me what happened to her. She told me “you were there.” I don’t know any details beyond that and I don’t remember anything. I’m not sure knowing the details matter, because I’ve seen how sexual violence has devastated her life.

I saw my mom and my sister fight a lot when I was young. They called each other terrible things while filled with rage: bitch, whore, slut, you hate me, I never should have moved here, you’re killing me. They screamed, yelled, threw things, slapped each other and hit themselves. It was frightening to witness the two most important women in my life show so much hatred towards each other. I used to cry myself to sleep while they screamed right outside of my bedroom. I was always alone. Frozen and silent with my fear and my pain.

I try hard to recall where my dad was during all this. I have memories from when I was very young of him standing between my mom and my sister trying to get them to stop, but not taking a stand on either side. At some point, he disappears from those memories, and all I can recall is him sleeping on the couch in the hot summers. I think he got overwhelmed not knowing how to stop the violence, and never had a space to show his own struggles.

As I grew, I pushed my feelings further and further down. I started mediating between my mom and sister. They fought less and less. I started making friends and feeling welcomed at school. But I never dared to show anyone all the pain, fear and anger I carry with me. I compensated and learned to act joyful and positive, like everything was okay. But whenever I became witness to violence, all those old feelings would resurface, and I would again be paralyzed and voiceless.

I don’t want to be frozen silent when I witness violence. That’s not how I want to live.

In spite of my own struggles, I’m writing to let you know that I stand with you. I might not be able to show it fully, and it might be hard for you to tell sometimes. But I stand with you with all the strength I continue to muster, as I work on letting go of my fear and my pain. I stand with you, Marissa, hand-in-hand with other men in my life who haven’t found their voices yet, either.

In loving solidarity,
Feminist Bhai

Credit: ModernGirlBlitz

I’ve been thinking about the perspectives I heard at a Male Accountabilty Forum I attended a few weeks ago and have been wondering what accountability for males in sexism means and how it should be practiced. In her book Feminism is for Everybody, bell hooks writes not directly about accountability, but about love:

“When we accept that true love is rooted in recognition and acceptance, that love combines acknowledgment, care, responsibility, commitment, and knowledge, we understand there can be no love without justice.”

I like the idea of male accountability as an act of love. It’s a good reminder that one of the main reasons I fight against sexism and male domination is because I love women and men who have been hurt in real, concrete ways by sexist oppression. Of course, then, I would want to acknowledge, care about and take responsibility for my privilege and the ways my actions affect others, particularly those who don’t have the same advantages societies have given me. As an act of love, committing to end sexism and male domination is easily something I would want to address in every part of my life.

Taking hooks’ definition of love as a que, here are some things we can do to practice male accountability from a place of love:

  • Think of acknowledgement as a complex understanding of our actions that includes a lens of oppression and dynamics of power.
  • Listen openly to other people’s perspectives as a foundation of acknowledging our actions.
  • Care about others and the ways our actions affect others.
  • Take responsibility for our actions and the direct impact they have on others in our lives.
  • Commit ourselves to ending the ways sexist oppression has directed our behaviors and thinking of others.
  • Fight against oppression wherever we find it in our lives, relationships, communities and societies.

I fight against sexism because I want to be my complete self without conforming to rigid definitions of gender and masculinity. I fight against sexism because I want to be close friends with people all along the gender spectrum. I fight against sexism because I want to engage with other people’s minds instead of getting confused about our bodies. I fight against sexism because I want a clear picture of what it means to connect with my partner through sex. I fight against sexism because I don’t want to be confused about any of these things anymore.

As a cisgender male, I’ve got a lot of reasons to fight against sexism and male domination. Below are a few of the main reasons why I decide to fight.

I fear violence if I don’t conform with rigidly defined genders.

Since we’re children we learn gender stereotypes and the specific ways they say we should act. We also see that when we don’t conform we find ourselves victims of violence, which enforces a hierarchy of power based on gender.

Societies of our world have systematically set up women and trans folks to be victims of violence for hundred of years. There is a long legacy of people being beaten, raped and killed for not conforming to gender stereotypes–Stonewall, Matthew Shepard, “corrective” rape. People have been treated horrifically through the enforcement of gendered power structures–the gang rape on a Delhi bus, rape as a weapon of war, selective abortion. The list goes on but the message is clear: conform to gender, submit to the intersecting hierarchies of power, or else.

Stereotypes are also harmful to people who do conform because they limit our lives. We fear harsh punishment if we don’t conform. We don’t expect to be treated as fully human and we are rarely allowed to be our complete, honest selves.

I don’t want limits on who I can be close friends with.

The way we enforce gender stereotypes discourages us from developing close friendships with people outside of particular definitions of gender. Stereotypes isolate us from each other and make it hard to take the first steps to really get to know one another.

Throughout our lives we get messages saying it isn’t okay to be close friends with particular “kinds” of people. During my young life when I wanted to be friends with a girl or a gender non-conforming boy, adults had excited or cautious curiosities that made me feel uncomfortable. Walls started going up between me and my peers based on gender, and also class, sexual orientation, race, religion, and other general sweeps of people.

As adults we still struggle with relationships. Some of us hold back from developing friendships for fears that people will think we’re cheating on our partners. We find it hard to support our partners in their friendships with people of the gender they’re attracted to for fear of being seen as a jealous partner.

I don’t want a society that prioritize the way bodies look over the way minds think.

The media presents us with images of men and women that are primarily centered on our bodies. People’s bodies, particularly women’s, are seen as objects, commodities to be consumed, disconnected from a human mind that’s brilliant, intelligent, loving, creative, and thoughtful.

When we first came to the world, we were really excited when we engaged with other’s minds–learned or created things together, figured something out. At some point, we started attributing people’s worth to the way their bodies looked before we took the chance to engage with their minds. Messages in the media and social pressures encouraged this behavior and made it difficult to live against it.

I don’t want to be confused about sex.

In the media, sex is presented in ways that feeds into our insecurities. We’re given tidbits of information to form a picture of what “normal” sex is instead of being allowed to decide for ourselves through healthy relationships and interactions with our partners.

I rarely talked about sex growing up.  When I did it was limited by my fears of being honest and vulnerable, and was riddled with judgement and assumptions. I never talked to my father about sex, not even as an adult. I luckily had a thoughtful adult in my life who had the attention to let me be honest about the things I was confused about in my preteens–during a time when I heard about all sorts of things in locker rooms and hallways. I would guess that few men have had a thoughtful adult around to help us learn and talk about sex at an early age, but those of us who did found it indispensable.

This is why I fight.

The ways in which we perpetuate sexism and male domination systematically divide us, and it’s been harsh. Men are treated with violence and isolation in order to act out power to keep the system going. Women are treated with violence and are made to feel unimportant, less valued and worthless in order to discourage and prevent them from taking positions of power. Queer, trans and other folks in the gender spectrum are made invisible and not treated as fully human. And we are all kept from being full, open and completely ourselves with each other.

Why do you fight sexism and male domination?